Link's Guide to Civilian Warfare
by Drakeofwind
Summary: A short, funny instruction guide for making weapons out of household items


**Link's Guide to Civilian Warfare: How to Use Everyday Items to Hold off Invaders.**

_Brooms, picks, pitchforks, and scythes._

_**The broom**._ Usually, the most deadly thing we use the broom for is to get the occasional stray cat out of the house. Now, people ask me, "What can I use my broom for?" The answer is simple. Go down to the blacksmith shop. Now, in a town emergency, the town usually comes together. Go down to the shop, and ask him to make some spear-heads. Have him make them to a certain size. After affixed to the broom, don't take the brush off the broom. The brush will stabilize the broom-spear in flight, and will cause it to hit your target almost every time. Also useful for dropping out of a window, and impaling invaders in the head.

**_Miners' pick._** Now, these need to be sharpened, and the pole shortened, unless your strong enough to wield it to fight. These are deadly in the right hands, and are excellent last-minute weapons.

**_Pitchforks._** Ahh, the pitchfork! A common misconception is that the pitch fork is one of the last-minute weapons that doesn't needed to be changed. Wrong! The Pitch fork is rather dull, and needs these steps to make it truly battle-ready: Flattening. The pitchfork's end is slightly curved, and needs to be straightened. Sharpening. The pitchfork needs also to be sharpened. And after those steps, the pitchfork is finally battle-ready.

**_Scythe._** To make the scythe battle-ready, you have to follow these steps, or otherwise you're better off running. Sharpening. Sharpen, sharpen, sharpen! Remember, if it has a metal end, it needs to be sharpened. The scythe tends to dull-down after chopping lots of crops. Shorten. The scythe is made to hack a large area of crop. We need to shorten it down to about two and a half feet, so you can wield it in one hand. Follow these steps, and you've got something almost as good as a short sword.

Now we move to a different part. We are now moving to stuff that are almost weapons, and some are weapons. We will explain in this part about: Poker iron, Wood axe, metal pipe, kitchen knives, and hammers and other common tools.

**_Poker Iron._** The poker iron, that thing that all people with fireplaces have. You have to do nothing to this to make it a weapon. Just make sure its head is on securely. Use it to smash somebody in the head or shin.

**_Axe._** The axe, the one item already a weapon. You need to sharpen this. Also, it is long and heavy, shorten it down. War axes have only small heads, and only a hatchet doesn't need to be shortened. Also, make sure the head stays on. It is no good if the head flies off.

**_Kitchen Knives._** Sharpen your knives. You can use them in defense of your home, or as a secondary weapon.

**_Hammers._** All you need to do is to make sure the head stays on and that it is short enough so it is not to clumsy to wield.

**_Metal pipe._** The weapon used by the common thug on a budget. All you have to do is make sure that it isn't too long so that when you swing it you get off-balanced.

How to make armor. In this section, we will talk about how to make armor in a hurry, out of common items.

**_Plate armor._ **If you need something that will well-protect you, but are on a budget, buy a bunch of shovels. Take off the metal-end, and take of the metal extension that connects it to the wooden shaft. Then put a hole in it, and begin to bind it to a tough, thick jacket. Put large ones on the shoulders, and on the chest area. Put smaller ones on the stomach area. Don't forget the back. Overlap real small ones on the back, so that it provides flexibility. Use small garden shovels for the forearm, and the upper-arm.

_Explosives._

At this part, we will talk about how to utilize deku nuts and other explosives to make weapons of mass destruction. We all know the power of a deku nut. Here, I will show you how to use there destructive power in odd but useful ways.

**_Deku Spear Gun._** What you need is a: Small metal pipe, about ten inches long, bag of deku nuts, and a spear head on a small wooden shaft, about eleven inches long. Gently put the nut in the tube. Then, quickly put the spear in the gun. The nut explodes, so hold on tight, otherwise it will drive the tube through your stomach. The spear is ejected at a incredible velocity, and will go for almost six hundred feet before it drops to the ground. It can drive through the thickest armor, and is deadly. With four or five nuts, and a pitchfork or a broom-spear with the brush taken off, and a tube about six-feet long, you have a very deadly weapon.

**_Deku Arrow._** All you have to do is affix a deku nut to the end of arrow, and when it hits, it will cause the flesh to explode.

**_Deku slingshot._** Easier than the Arrow, but less range, and less accuracy. With bunches of these, you can wreak mass destruction.

**_Deku bomb._ **Put about ten-to-thirty nuts in a container, and put a fuse on it, and put something flammable that will light when the fuse is done burning. With this, you can blow up a massive area.

Now this completes the civilian warfare handbook.


End file.
